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_____________________________________________________ Putting the PiecesBack Together:by William Lee I am a twelve and a half year veteran of the US Army. I was honorably discharged from the service for medical reasons in 1993. I made a commitment to be the best husband and father for my wife and son that I could be. I had developed a drinking habit while in the service and there had been times that I had to put the mission before my family. Consequently, my wife had left me several times. However, at the end of my service time I was resigned to return to my hometown Philadelphia but my wife asked me to come to St. Louis. I did and we got back together. We bought a house, two cars, and a dog. Things were good for a short while but I wasn’t adjusting well to civilian life. My wife became angry with me and said some things that you can’t just take back. This time I left them with her family and friends and returned to Philadelphia. She was a few months pregnant when I left. I stayed with family and got hire to a supervisory federal job at the Veteran’s Affairs Office. I felt better about myself, knowing that I could do something beyond service life. My wife and I stayed in touch and after eleven months she asked me to come home. I had a little baby girl waiting on me and I found work when I returned. I settle down to be a good husband and father. Unfortunately, my wife and I had irreconcilable differences. This tore me apart, because I knew we were going to break up before we broke up. The investment and the commitment I had put forth crumbled before my eyes and I grieved over our break up a long time. Foolishly, thinking that doing the right things were getting me nowhere I became angry and decided to go the opposite route and be irresponsible. I completely gave up on myself. I started drinking, drugging and gambling. Nobody was going to tell me anything. Eventually, depression took its toll on me. After my divorce I got a job with the postal service. I had a decent income, my child support payments were on time but I was still bitter because I wouldn’t be allowed to raise my children in a traditional way. I became inconsolable and eventually homeless. I was in and out of rooming houses and shelters. I found myself only communicating with people at work. It upset me even further when a brief relationship ended before it was started because I was accused of being manic. I was drinking heavily to medicate myself, and not taking my medications properly. I began to seek help from organizations as I realized I could do better. I had to keep moving in order to make things happen. After a few psychiatric visits and being told that it is perfectly normal for me to feel the way I am feeling but that I needed to try to do something’s differently. I did a couple of stints in and out of treatment facilities and sitting around the AA tables. I am more determined now when I think about how drugs have devastated one of my sister’s lives.
I was desperately trying to maintain my postal job before 9/11 but lost it and in January 2001 I decided I was going to get back on track. I decided I wanted to go back to school and become a teacher. I have set some goals now and I’m trying to get back on track and do something more positive and not just for myself but for others as well. I may need a little motivation every now and then but I’m more driven now towards my studies and a book I have been writing. Classes at Forest Park have been enlightening and challenging. As I look back on the past seven years I realize good people have carried me through those unsettling times. So many good people were there for me when I was homeless and hungry. Walking the streets, in the frigid snow, dehydrating in the hot sun and getting drenched in the down pouring rain. I did not loose all hope because there were a lot of supports out there for me. In spite of those supports, I went along time choosing to be alone, a recluse. I stayed alone. There were periods of times when I didn’t speak to anyone. I preferred to be alone and didn’t want to be bothered. In my mind, I wasn’t hurting anyone but myself. I tried to do the right thing and it didn’t pan out. Looking back, I now know this was an escape for me. The St. Louis downtown library has been one of my haunts for study time. This road to recovery has given me a since of belonging. I’m trying to get my life back on track. I’m not there yet. I realize I’ll never be cured of my addictions. The thought of using drugs scares me so much that I know I’ll never use those. I can barely take a prescription drug now. The many health issues dictate that I take them I have too. I have encountered a lot of men and women crying for help and there are those who are out doing something to get their lives together. I’m in that latter category now and I want so desperately to help them get here as well. Giving something back, showing them that somebody cares. It eems to be the best medicine. Letting them know they are not alone in their struggles. The Transitional Housing Program at Sts. Peter and Paul Community Services has been very flexible in working with my schedule and I’m getting things accomplished. I don’t think I would be able to get these things done at some of the other places around town. PPCS has allowed me to complete my vocational rehabilitation evaluation and attend the St. Louis Community College where I am making strides towards obtaining a teaching certificate. At KDHX I was able to record some of my stories for the Voices of the Community CollabARTive project now available on the ppcs website.. There are those that come through the program who need a period of time to rest and be clean and sober for a while. For me, I know I need to take this time to really put in some work, save money and maintain my sobriety. My health issues mandate that this be first and foremost right now. My case manger knows I’m a procrastinator. So he pushes me to stay focused. I appreciate the staff commitment and accessibility to all the guys in the program they are always there for us. I remember when one of the guys I knew in the program moved out into his an apartment. I was happy for him and envious as well. Wishing it was I who was taking that step to have my own place again. He was setting a fine example working through his issues and believe you me, I’m took notice of this. It was important for me to see. It’s now my time and soon I will be moving into my own place. Down the road I have hopes of being a teacher or a published author. I thank God for never leaving alone and for not letting me pass up PPCS on my road to recovery. ____________________________________________________
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© 2004 Peter & Paul Community Services,
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